The speech of a resisting woman against her rapists

I am a lesbian. I had a very difficult life with a lot of problems in Iran, but I could resist and after a very difficult time I had to leave from Iran. Then I came to Exarchia, to live in a squat. But I understand that I am having the same problems as I did in Iran. During my stay in this squat, the men there were looking at me in a sexist way and some times they asked me for sexual contact. One of them was the guy who later raped me. When they asked me for sex, I didn’t accept and I even told them that I am a lesbian. They mocked me about this and made sexist comments to me

After a while, there was a party which I wanted to go to. In this party the guys from my squat who had made offers for sex to me were also there. I drank a lot of alcohol, so during the party I was feeling a bit sick and I had began to lose control, feeling faint. The guys from my squat, when seeing my situation, brought me to a room where I could sleep. One of the guys from my squat told the others that he would stay with me since I am so drunk that I need someone to take care of me. The light in the room was off, I thought I was in a safe place, so I was ready to fall asleep. However, for a moment I had a feeling that someone very heavy is over my body. It was very dark and I couldn’t see. I could only hear and feel his breath near my ear. From this I understood his is a man

In the past in the newspapers I have read and heard stories of rape. I never thought that it would happen to me. It was a very difficult situation, because when he said his name to my ear I understood that he will rape me. In my state of drunkenness, which was very difficult, I told him “please get off me” in a weak voice. But he said on my ear “shh, be silent”, and then started to take off my clothes. I couldn’t believe that a guy who I was seeing everyday and lived in the same squat with, the guy who was telling me that I was like his sister that he would violently rip off my clothes. Like a barbarian started to devour my breasts. In this moment he destroyed my mental resistance. He was very heavy and with a powerful body and I was a drunk person who could not even move. I tried to push him out of me, but it didn’t work cause I was so weak. He was in total control of my body. In this moment I was only saying, “please don’t”. I tried several times to push him, to tell him to stop, anything I could do. But I was drunk and tired, and I became more tired, so he was in control. Finally he went for my vagina and with violence he raped me. Also in this moment he was keeping my hands and feet still. He was only thinking about his appetite and nothing more. He just used my body for sex and then he had orgasm

Outside the room there was a lot of noise, music, so I was thinking if anyone would come soon in the room. But noone came and noone knew. After he was finished he told in my ear that he would not let me free easily, that he had more to do with me. He said ‘do you know, I am looking for you a long time now’. For a few minutes more, he didn’t get off my tired body. After that he turned me around. He was so horny and was using violence to move me. I was thinking that I really don’t want to be alive right now, I wished I were dead. I started to scream, but he silenced me with his hand, and he said ‘hey don’t’. Again he started to rape me. In that night I was raped twice. It was a very very bad night. When he finished he came over my body, I only closed my eyes. Then he started to dress me. Because he knew that I was not even able to dress myself. Then he left me on the bed and left from the room

From this bad mental and physical situation I started to have a seizure and I don’t know when I finally went to sleep. But after a while I woke up from someone who came into the room and asked me if I was ok, but I could’t say anything, I was not able to express any feelings, what could I say. The sexist guys of my squat were also coming to the room and saying to each other, joking that, hey don’t worry about her, she’s just acting up. In this moment I would be reminded what happened to me and felt like shit

The day after the party, I saw the guy in my squat and I asked him, ‘why did you do this to me?’ and he shrugged me off saying ‘ah just go, don’t come to me anymore’. I told him ‘you raped me, what are you doing?’. Again I asked him ‘why did you rape me?’ and he answered ‘because you were silent, I thought you liked having sex with me.’ Yes in this fucking society, to be silent when you are so drunk that you can not even move, it means like yes, I want to have sex with you. And he used the opportunity that he found

Another pain, is that the mother of this guy understood what her son did to me and she started to support him and said to me that I am a bitch. For a man it’s not shame, it is shame to you as a girl. And they started to make a scenario about me, to hide what happened to me. The scenario was that I had sex before with this gyu, that I am also seeing another guy. It made me feel very bad, it was like harassment what they said. On one hand, the patriarchal society didn’t believe a girl who said to the community ‘hey this guy raped me’, but the community did nothing. What they did instead, is to make a story to defend this guy and victimize him and show to the rest that I am just a bitch, the girls are usually just the bitched. If the man has sex with more and different girls its honor for them. But the same thing for the girls is a shame. Also they told me that I am dirty because I had slept with a girl and because I am a lesbian. But I am sure they don’t even know what is lesbian, that if they know they could understand that really what happened was rape, whether I were drunk or not. All they know about lesbians is that they are dirty, nothing more

Source :athens.indymedia.org